So I guess this would be considered my first official online blog. I've had my fair share of diaries, but the hand cramping can be pretty unbearable.
I need a place to vent, to let go. To tell the world how I feel. I'm not looking for compassion. I'm not looking for criticism. I'm looking for a place of my own that I feel comfortable to express my views. Feel free to read along.
I'll just get straight to the point.
This emotional roller coaster ride that I am determined to ride on everyday is exhausting. I feel my happiest when I am at work, unfortunately. I wish it were different. I wish my home life is where I felt my happiest. But I feel so overwhelmed. I constantly feel unappreciated when I'm at home. I feel like I'm here to cater to my children. To my boyfriend. I mean, don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be the kind of mom that had dinner made and clothes folded and put away every day. Ugh, my brain is just so mushy right now. I don't even know what to say. I just need to ramble. Even if none of it makes sense.
I feel alone...a lot. I want a boyfriend to love me and cherish me and flaunt me. Instead, I have one who won't even go in public with me unless I pay for everything or he has to make it known that he's forking the bill. I want someone who surprises me with flowers occasionally. Or buys me a card every now and again. A man who doesn't chastise my child for asking questions during a movie. A man that will cradle me and hold me when I'm most fragile. Instead, I have one who just adds to my anxiety. Who won't even get off his lazy butt to walk our dog and instead lets her shit in the floor just for me to step in it. I want a man that will stand by my side and support me and encourage me. A man that makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world that can make him happy. Instead, I have a man that only tells me how "wonderful" or "beautiful" I am while we're having sex. I wouldn't consider it "making love" since a majority of the time, it's on his terms. I want a man that will smother me with kind words and " I love you's". A man that won't send me on guilt trips if I forget or cannot afford to buy him a birthday gift. A man that wants to take me on dates. Instead, I have a man that does love me unconditionally, but shows it in a terrible way. When he thinks about me at work, instead of sending me a sweet text message, he sends me a picture of his penis. He expects me to do all these things for him, but the moment I ask him for a favor, it's just a straight up "no". no reason. no "maybe" just NO. Because he's lazy.
I had a husband at one time that would've done anything for me at the drop of a hat, except, I didn't love him. He wasn't what I wanted. He abused me. Took advantage of me in the bedroom. Spent all of my money. But if I asked him to do anything, he would have.
Do I miss that? Sometimes. Do I wish I was still with him? NO!!! I just wish the man that I have now would treat me better than he does. Be more considerate. So what if I want to be smothered with gifts and flowers. Honestly, what woman doesn't? But every year, on every holiday, I get sent on a long guilt trip that lasts until the following year. All because I didn't buy him a gift... Yes I am irresponsible with my money. Yes I should budget it a lot better, but so should you. Instead, you want to go spend your money on some old beat up truck that you're just going to have to sell for parts before the end of the year because it broke down. I want to buy a house. I want a new car. I want to quit living in apartments and have a real life. I am doing a lot better than I was 5 years ago, but it's time to grow up.
I'm not going to let anyone hold me back. I am going to finish pharmacy school. Whether I have your support or not. If I have to finish school and move back in with my mom, then I will. I am determined. I don't need you to support me. I just need you to pick my son up from school and make sure he is fed and homework is done, and only on the evenings that I am not home.
All I ask is that you love me..and treat me right. For the first time ever, you raised your hand to me. And you have yet to convince me that it was all just a joke. I have never been so close to slapping you across your face. I want to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit and curse and yell FUCK YOU at the top of my lungs.
ugh. I'm so over this.
